i wanna hear that fucking noise

repost from myspace. i'm not sure why.

i'm flying to utah on friday. unbelievably excited.

last night i was cleaning the kitchen from top to bottom and suddenly got one of those feelings that i'm inhabiting someone else's body. it lasted for a few minutes, during which i couldn't believe everything i've experienced and am about to experience is actually happening to me. it's not that i'm having these wild times or anything, but still. incredible. i'm in philadelphia, pennsylvania. going to college for fashion design. how is this real? my work is drawing and sewing, which i LOVE. i do things like go grocery shopping and clean all on my own! ridiculous!
i think partially this was sparked by something ashley said a few days ago about being an adult. am i? in that moment, i was a kid playing a grown-up, scrubbing someone else's kitchen floor. the feeling is so hard to articulate. i just had no idea how i got there, how i've gotten here. why am i eating salad when i could have cake for dinner? why do i do my homework? where has this discipline come from, because it obviously can't come from me? somehow, it does.
i need to remember- i'm alive, i'm right here, i'm making decisions and it's human, painful, wonderful, scary, and beautiful. i need to inhabit myself more powerfully, remember that this moment, and this one now, are never going to happen again. one thought passes, i blink, and it's all completely new. experience is all i have.