I'm feeling so ambivalent about this winter break. My feelings range from sheer excitement to dread, though the dread is less easily explained. I know I'm excited to see friends, namely one special someone, but who's keeping track? Look at me now; instead of cleaning and packing for tomorrow, I sit on the edge of my bed, laptop in its elected position, writing a blog. I've sucessfully avoided the issue for a few more minutes.
I think the negative aspects mostly deal with lack of freedom and personal space. Those, at least, are the ones I can pin point. There's no doubt I'll have less freedom; I'll be at my parent's house, still without a car. Also, I'm still job-less and the lack of money will keep me even more tied down. The lack of space has to do with a shared room, and multiple younger siblings. I've kept very few things in New Hampshire; when I moved this summer, I fully cleaned out my room. I felt great about it at the time, excited, independent. Why not? It's a fantastic feeling to be moving out of your parent's house. Too bad I'm still living there over breaks, so when I went back for Thanksgiving I felt the weight of staying in a bare room that used to be mine. Sure, sure, I'm being over-dramatic, but that feeling was very real on my first night back. I'll be okay over this month; maybe I'll decorate a little so I don't feel like such a visitor. Anyways, that's a big part of the negativity I'm feeling.
The positives? Family- I really do enjoy them, just in small doses. I'm psyched to see my sister. I haven't seen my friends from high school for more than a day since August, and some I haven't seen at all since then. I'll just be adjusting to loads of spare time, which sounds relaxing but always drags on by the end. Plus, like a cherry on top, there's Jared. Or maybe he's the main dish. I don't know, I sound ridiculous.
Basically, it's not that I don't want to be home, it's that I'm not sure where home is, and that's frightening.
I'm craving eggs. Food first, then packing.
2 comments:
i just completely took my room apart, in preparation for my big move next week, 3000 miles west. it's weird, moving out and moving back so many times i can't count (3). all the pieces of my life i want to remember goes in boxes for the attic, the memories i don't care for (or outgrew) ends up in trashcans and what goes with me, well, what is it i want to take? because i guess that saying, "wherever you go, there you are" or something like that is very apt to describe how i feel. the less i bring, the more space i have to make and keep new memories...
i took very few "memory" type things with me to philadelphia, mostly because i didn't feel ready to sort through everything. i still have a box and deskful of old letters, notebooks, etc. that i should toss but will probably keep after rereading them and feeling a strong sense of nostalgia.
Post a Comment